Watching the Perfect Saturday Night Live Episode

As season 37 draws to a close, the haters stick their head out of the sand for their annual "SNL isn't as good as it used to be" rants.  That's crazy.  While it was a season full of highs and lows, it was still a solid 33 hours of television.  We saw the arrival of Kate McKinnon, the firing of Paul Brittian and the retiring of Kristin Wiig.  

But if you haven't been keeping up to speed with SNL this year, have I got the ideal Rich Fix for you.  I present, curated from the 22 episodes of the 2011-2012 season, my perfect episode of the year.  Take a couple of minutes, kick back, and really laugh at the comedy of season 37.

Cold Open: Ghost of Gaddafi

From the Charlie Day episode, a great example of a simple idea that is well executed with great energy.  Instead of seeing Armisen constrained by his Obama impression, he let's loose with this silly take on the recently killed Ghadafi.

Monologue: Alec Baldwin

From the season premiere, Baldwin delivers masterfully. He's broken the hosting record previously set by Steve Martin, and Steve Martin shows up demanding a drug test. The two perform what is practically a fully-formed sketch.  Seth Rogen shows up to add star power (and not much else).  While monologues don't really translate in "best ofs", I've included the video anyway.

Commercial Parody Rerun: Mother's Day Gift

Going all the way to the season finale episode with Mick Jagger, we come out of the monologue with this Amazon commercial for Mothers Day. Yes, it's a one-note joke. Correct, we will not remember 50 Shades of Grey in 2 years. But it was the funniest commercial of the season.  It gave the women on the show a chance to be a little raunchy.  Even though you just saw it last week, its worth one more watch.

Lead Off Sketch: Bronx Beat

When alum us Maya Rudolf hosted, we saw a number of cameos, most importantly Amy Poehler coming back to reprise one of my favorite sketches from their era.  The chemistry between the two is fantastic, and then Justin Timberlake's first cameo of the season sends the energy over the moon.

Pre-taped TV Show Parody: Kardashian Divorce Special

While The Real Housewives of Disney got a lot of (deserved) attention, this bit really sticks with me as the best of the season.  From the Charlie Day episode, this was a great lampoon of the idiocy that was the Kardashian wedding.  Wiig's Chris Jenner really steals the show.

Live Sketch Before the Musical Act: Adam Grossman

Jonah Hlll reprised a character that he did the first time he hosted. But here he nails it. Essentially a monologue in character, this is a fine example of great writing matching a great performance by a non-SNL alumni guest host.. "Who does a kid have to give a blow pop to to get a drink around here?"

Musical Act: ???

I'm not going to take a stand on this one.  Plug in your favorite musical number of season 37

WEEKEND UPDATE: Drunk Uncle

For Update, I'm skipping Seth's topical jokes and focusing on the commentaries. First up, the 2nd appearance of my new favorite character, Drunk Uncle. Even if he was nothing more than a collection of odd asides ("Ebay of Pigs"!), it will still be a favorite of mine. "Netflix me!"  

WEEKEND UPDATE: Really with Seth and Amy

I really wanted to pick the Update Joke Off with Seth, Amy, Jimmy Fallen and Tina Fey, but the jokes in that segment just did not match the excitement and fun of that kind of a reunion.  Instead, I'm picking the one Really from this season that REALLY worked.  Seth and Amy made fun of the male-only senate hearings on birth control.  This was a topic that needed a female voice to really lampoon, and Amy brought it yet again.    

WEEKEND UPDATE: Stefon Christmas

Yes, picking a Stefon segment couldn't be more cliche, but there's a reason.  This character is really, really funny.  I liked this appearance, from the Christmas Episode a lot more than the one in the season finale. Merry laughing! 

Bein' Quirky with Zooey Deschanel

After the news, it's time to show Abby Elliott some love with Bein' Quirky, from the Zooey Deschanel episode. This is my favorite "a cast member does an impression of the guest host while the guest host does an impression of someone else" format in many years.  But it's Taren Killem who steals the show with his high-pitch perfect Michael Sera.  

SNL Digital Short: Best Friends

It was hard to pick one digital short to represent the whole season, but this video from the Katy Perry episode was probably the best effort of the year.  Smart pacing, fun cameos by Matt Damon and Val Kilmer and a plot line (if you can call it that) that kept evolving. And the song is hard to get out of your head, so be warned before you watch!

Musical Act 2nd Number: Viewer's Choice

Again, I leave the music to other experts.

Last Half Hour: Les Jeunes de Paris

As we pass 12:30am and start heading home, I chose the latest installment of Les Jeunes de Paris, created by and starring Taren Killam.  This is a take on the Oscar winning comedy, The Artist. Is this sketch every funny?  No.  It's a lot of fun and a huge boost of energy.  Note: I believe the reason some don't love this sketch is because they saw it on the computer. The life and energy of this sketch is dependent on a big screen television, not a tiny laptop monitor. That said,  I'm including a link to nbc.com anyway. 

Commercial Parody Rerun: Red Flag

At this point in the show, we usually see a commercial parody that's already premiered on a previous episode.  I'm choosing another bit from the season premiere; the commercial for Red Flag perfume really captures how funny Kristin Wiig is, even when she does not have any lines.  A simple idea, but the bit stays fresher longer than most other SNL commercials. "Her ex-boyfriend was a club promotor. Red Flag!" Red Flag wasn't repeated much on the actual show, so if you don't remember it, it's worth another look.

2nd To Last Sketch: Obama Cosby

Obama can be funny!  Instead of trying to perfect his somewhat lifeless Barack impression, Armisen instead channel the spirit of Bill Cosby.  A great take on The Cosby Show, we get high energy performances from Barack, Michelle Obama, Joe Biden, and even an inspired Hilary Clinton cameo during the "Night and Day" performance.  I want to see more of this in season 38.  Plug Barack Obama into other classic sitcoms and let the hilarity continue!

12:50am Sketch: One Magical Night

12:50am is one of my favorite time slots of the show. This is where the really weird stuff has a home.  For the last sketch of the perfect SNL episode, Katy Perry and Bobby Moynihan meet, fall in love, marry, and lose each other in one conversation.  All the while being serenaded by Jason Sudekis at the piano.  Weird, silly, surprising and fun. A great way to end the show.   

Goodnights from Home Base: Kristin Wiig's Last Show

Okay, I'm cheating here.  When thinking about the perfect credit role "goodnights" segment, I couldn't not choose the Graduation piece that sends off Kristin Wiig.  Yes, an atypical ending, but what a way to close out Wiig's time on the show, bring season 37 to a close, and finish the perfect SNL episode. 

That's it!  There many other sketches that didn't make the final list, which is a testament to what a strong season we had. Until the season 28 premiere next fall, that's it from Studio 8H.  CUE THE BAND:

Doing this Saturday Night Live Season 27 Perfect Episode was the best week of my life. I'd like to thank Lorne, Marci, the writers, this amazing cast, the crew, and everyone who watched. GOODNIGHT!

Listen to our latest SNL podcast

Rob and I took to the mikes to cover the last three episodes of SNL.  The departure of Kristen Wiig!  Lazy Sunday 2!  Stefon!  George W and Biden!  So much to discuss and debate!  Lots of fun to recap.  Take a listen!

Download or stream the podcast here.

How to Keep New TV Shows from Feeling Like Repeats We Haven’t Seen Yet

I just watched the promos for the upcoming fall TV shows. Many felt oddly familiar. Why?  To find the answer, I looked back at two recent NBC shows, Bent and Best Friends Forever for the answer.  I liked both of these short-lived series, but they both had the same, odd problem.  Both shows felt old, like I had been watching them for years. I had been watching them for years – and by “them”, I mean the actors. 

Bent featured the guy from Perfect Couples and the woman from Studio Sixty on the Sunset Strip. Best Friends Forever featured the sister from Accidentally on Purpose and the woman from… What was that show again? I know her from something…

This is a pattern.  There’s a roster of working class actresses and actors who I think are very talented – and apparently so do the network executives.  Seemingly every year, these actors lose their jobs when their series is cancelled, and the networks immediately put them in the next great new series.  I’m not talking about famous names like Matthew Perry and Jenna Elfman.  I’m talking about perennial television MVPs like Kyle Bornheimer, Andrea Anders, Tyler Labine and Rene Sofer.  You probably don’t know their names, but look at these pictures and tell me if their faces don’t ring a bell:

They do, because you’ve seen them, collectively, in dozens and dozens of failed shows.

I’m a TV nerd, so my innate facial recognition software would rival security systems at Vegas casinos.  But I believe that we all remember TV faces.  Maybe not consciously, but somewhere in the back of our brains, next to the answers to old Trivial Pursuit questions are mental Pinterest boards filled with images of people we’ve seen on TV shows or on ads for other TV shows. 

An actor from a cancelled show transfers the stink of failure to a new series.  When a new show is filled with the faces of last year’s failures, it feels like I’m watching leftovers.

So, what’s the Rich Fix?

A blackout period. Actors whose TV series just got canceled are benched for two years.  So if you’re an actor on a struggling show, start saving those paychecks.  If your sitcom doesn’t get renewed, it’s time to finally mount that one-person show at a theater on Santa Monica Blvd.  If your drama gets the ax, start filming webisodes of that idea you wouldn’t shut up about around the craft service table.  You’ve got two years of free time to fill. 

But this is not about the actors. Casting and development executives have to break the cycle.  While it may be easier for them to cast a known quantity during the craziness of pilot season, the TV schedule has to stop feeling like the same deck of cards being reshuffled.

I need the networks to commit as a block – no buckling when that last-minute pilot just lost it’s male lead and the hunky guy from Terra Nova is just perrrrrect for the role.

Benching network favorite actors may feel harsh, but tell that to the hundreds and hundreds of actors in Los Angeles that can’t get a break.  Fresh television is a win for everyone.  As an audience, we’re more likely to get sucked into a world we haven’t visited yet.  New faces will ultimately translate into more viewers. 

The financial realities of the Rich Fix may make being an actor a less appealing career option.  That’s okay too.  This country needs more teachers, nurses and firefighters.  Wait, maybe that could be a new show.  I got the perfect leads: the blond assistant from Harry’s Law and the Latino guy from CSI: MIami are both available!

Check Out Our Latest SNL Podcast

Rob Cesternino and I hit the mikes once again to catch up on the latest two episodes of "Saturday Night Live."  Did "The Californians" make you laugh as much as Hader, or were you as lost as their freeway directions?  Were you digging "Drunk Uncle" or ready for him to sober up?  Did you consider the "Game of Thrones First Look" an inspired sendup of the HBO show, or a sketch written by a 13 year old boy?  Thoughts on the latest featured player, Kate McKinnon?  All this discussed and more on this most recent edition of "Rob Has a Podcast". 

Check it out here. 

Want to check it out on iTunes? Click here.

Why Settle For Apple’s “White Y”?

Listen up.  To your phone. 

How do you do that today?  Probably the same way you did ten years ago.

Apple's earbuds form the "White Y"As handset manufacturers continue to improve screen size and resolution, they have done nothing to innovate how we get the sound from the phones to our ears.  It’s time for another revolution  - one that everyone will hear.

Yes, I’m talking about headphones and headsets.

The best option right now is the earbuds that Apple provides with the iPhone.  I call it the “White Y”, based on the shape they make from a person’s ears to their body.  The last real advancement in headphones was when Apple merged the microphone/call/answer button with the play/pause button on the White Y.  It allowed us to use stereo headphones to both listen to music and as our phone headset. How fantastic was the first time you heard a call in both ears? That was “thinking different.” It’s time to think different again.

While the White Y is the best option today, it is still far from perfect.   As anyone who keeps their earbuds in their pants pocket knows, trying to untangle a massive knot of wire into the White Y is a very imperfect experience. 

We also need the White Y to grow up. 

The White Y is Apple’s version of a Scarlett Letter, only in this incarnation, the “Y” stands for young.  No one looks adult and mature with the white Y on his or her chest.  It’s a sign of casualness usually associated with kids.  A man in a three-piece suit wearing the White Y will never be taken seriously.  And no matter how successful a businesswoman may be, wearing the White Y makes her look like she is either going to the gym or to math class.

Because of its design, wearing the White Y is also perceived as rude.  If I have earbuds in my ears, others assume I’m on a call or listening to music, and therefore I cannot hear what they are saying.  No one thinks the buds are sitting silently in my ear canals, quietly waiting to burst into action when needed.  I wouldn’t feel so rude leaving the earbuds in my ears if there was a visible sign on the White Y that sound was (or wasn’t) coming out of them. Could the white cord turn blue when audio is traveling through the wires?  That would both wicked cool and wicked polite. 

(Full discloser: Sometimes I intentionally wear the White Y in complete silence, specifically so I don’t have to make small talk with you.  I’m willing to lose this self-imposed isolation in the face of progress.)

So I look to Apple to revolutionize again.  We need the company to completely rethink the White Y as our best, most convenient audio option in a form factor that is considered culturally cool, even in professional situations.  We need this because as technology progresses, audio is getting left behind.  But what we hear is just as important as what we see.  After all, aren't these devices suppoosed to be primarily portable telephones and personal music players?  We need high quality audio for everything the devices can do.  We need it easy for us to get the sound to our ears.  We need something easy to put on and easy to take off. We need it personal, private and respectful of others. 

Who knows what the next Apple form factor could be?  Sticky transmitters that sit behind our ears?  Audio frequencies that can only be heard by our unique DNA?  High fidelity earrings?  Earlobe tattoos with nano-technology ink?  I don’t know the answer, but I know it’s the right question to ask.  If anyone has any crazy ideas, I’m listening.  And I’m sure Apple is too…

Why Jim Halpert Needs to Cheat on Pam To Save “The Office”

If you still watch "The Office", you’re probably annoyed with me already, just by the title. It sounds like I’m condoning adultery (I’m not) and trying to break up the fairy tale couple of Pam and Jim (I am) by suggesting he give in to the advances of Cathy, the new employee who has the hots for him.  But odds are you do not still watch NBC's, “The Office.”  And that’s the problem.  “The Office” needs to be saved. 

Lindsey Broad plays Cathy, who wants to sleep with Jim, even if it breaks up his marriage.

So let’s step back for a minute.  To understand why “The Office” needs to be saved requires understanding what went wrong.  We all lament the huge loss of Steve Carell as Michael Scott, when Carell left at the end of last season.  But to be accurate, “The Office” lost its way well before Michael Scott moved to Colorado to be with Holly Flax.   To be very accurate (as only I can) “The Office” started to lose it’s focus on May 17^th 2007, and no one noticed.

What happened to Michael Scott on May 17, 2007? Nothing.  The derailing of the series had nothing to do with Steve Carell.

People believe Michael Scott was the heart of the “The Office.”  That’s not true.  Michael Scott was the center of the show.  But the heart of the show was Jim.  Jim is who we identified with. We rooted desperately for him to be with the love of his life, the beautiful, smart, sweet, and uniquely normal Pam.

May 17, 2007 was the airing of the Season Three finale episode, “The Job.”  At the end of the episode, while Pam was being interviewed in the conference room, Jim stuck his head in the door and asked her out to dinner. Pam said yes.  The guy got the girl. 

For the next four and half seasons, we all watched Happily Ever After play out on primetime television.  We saw the dating, the proposal at the gas station, the wedding at Niagara Falls, baby number one and now baby number two.  It wasn’t great TV, but it was good TV.  It was wish-fulfillment TV, and that is kind of satisfying.  It was sweet.  It was closure. “The End.”

In a movie, the audience leaves after “The End.”  On a sitcom, it’s never “The End” until the audience leaves.  And that’s where we’re at with “The Office”.

Pam and Jim the happy couple never fight, and never have real life problems.  A fairy tale romance is not funny and it is not compelling.  There’s no reason for us to root for Jim anymore. And that’s what is killing the show.

The show has tried to recreate the original Pam/Jim magic by creating new romantic entanglements.  Andy/Erin? Who cares.  Dwight/Angela? Snore. Darryl/Val? Who?  Creating sitcom will they/won't they magic is next to impossible. Pam and Jim beat TV odds. "The Office" hasn't been able to recreate it again because Pam and Jim are the only two realistic, three-dimensional characters left on the show.

The only way to rebuild the show is to make us root for Jim again.  The only way to do that is by first ripping away the only thing that matters deeply to him. Pam.  If Jim cheated on Pam by sleeping with Cathy – if the show gave him a reason to want to do that, and then let us watch the upcoming train wreck in slow motion – Jim would lose everything in a moment of weakness.  Yes, that sounds heartless, but by doing that, we would get to watch Jim have to win her back.  And if he had to work hard to do it, I mean really, really hard, we would start to care again.  He needs to dig deep within himself (and by “he”, I mean the writers), to prove to us in a meaningful way why we should take him back into our hearts. 

Watching Jim really trying to redeem himself, to prove he’s more than the typical cheating husband, to prove why he is, and always has been, special is what will give us, the audience, a reason to care, to cheer, and most importantly, to keep watching.  No matter who takes over for Michael Scott.  Having Jim cheat on Pam to get there may sound mean-spirited, but if you want a great omelet you have to break some eggs. Come on “The Office”, start cracking!

Listen Now To Our Latest SNL Podcast

As many of you may know, I have been moonlighting once a month on my buddy Rob Cesternino's successful "Rob Has a Podcast."  I've been his featured SNL correspondent for this season.  Each month, the two of us breakdown the latest episodes of "Saturday Night Live."

Rob and I break down the highs and the lows of Jonah Hill and Lindsay Lohan

If you're an Saturday Night Live fan, or SNL is a show you love to hate, check out our podcast. See if you agree or disagree with our take on the sketches, performers and hosts. 

Click here to listen or download the podcast on Rob's page.

A Convenient Truth About Gadgets

It’s embarrassing to admit, but last night I tried to unlock the front door to our apartment by pushing the “unlock” button on my car’s keyless fob. It’s not the first time I’ve made that mistake, and it won’t be the last.

But last night, instead of dismissing the action as silly, I started to think, why not have my front door unlock because I have a wireless fob in my pocket?  Is it really too much to ask to be able to open the door with a Jedi wave?

It was a silly fantasy, but when I peeled away to the motivations behind the thought, I really got to see what drives my tech and gadget buying habits. On his Nerdist podcast, Chris Hardwick described Americans as having an “addiction to convenience.”  It’s not a new phrase, but it describes me perfectly: 

• I bought a ten-dollar program for my computer that allows me to control Pandora’s music service through my keyboard’s Play/Pause button. That’s all it does. Ten bucks.  Probably the best ten dollars ever spent. 
• I have always spent a lot of money on universal programmable remotes, so that I don’t have to turn on my entertainment center with two remotes. I just spent a lot of money on a newer version of that remote, so that I don’t have to point this remote directly at the television. A lot of money.
• While I was writing this post, I spilled hot tea under my laptop.  My first thought was, “I can’t afford to buy a replacement MacBook Air right now!” But my second thought, which entered my head before I finished wiping up the table was, “But if I do, I’d be able to get the new MacBook Air, with the backlit keyboard. Boy, it would be handy to have a backlit keyboard…”

My addiction to convenience is primal: I want life to be easier.  Hell, I want life to be easy. In my utopia, my tech works as efficiently as possible, which allows me to spend the maximum amount of time on creative, productive or entertaining endeavors. I can’t afford to hire a personal assistant, but I can install a good task management system.  I work too late at night to record a TV show I had forgotten was on, but I can set my TiVo from my office computer.   My tech can’t solve problems of love, fulfillment or financial security, but it can make my life much more hassle free by removing little distractions.

When tech is not convenient, I stop using it. I downloaded a great game to my Mac, but it takes about 5 minutes to load.  Sorry, Portal 2, I don’t have that kind of downtime.  I would have paid twice as much for a version of the same game that loads in fifteen seconds.  Not more levels, sleeker graphics, or better storytelling. Just a fast load time.  If a game company designs for my convenience, I will surely become a loyal, paying customer.  That’s a big deal, because I’m not traditionally a “game guy,” so it means that the gaming industry is leaving money on the table. My money.  

More broadly speaking, the technology companies that understand “convenience is king” will win.  I see it today: I recommend the iPhone over the latest and greatest Android phone simply because, as Apple says, “It just works.” If the upcoming iPad 3 has a higher screen resolution or a better camera, I don’t care.  I only want to know what innovations on the iPad 3 will make my life easier.  The tech that will sell big is the tech that can anticipate what I want to do before I do it, be the least distracting, make my life easy, and help keep me focused. 

As a public service to companies looking for the next big thing, here’s a quick list of gadgets I would pay a lot of money for, if they were invented:

• Corded earphones with anti-tangle technology
• A shower head that allowed me to digitally select a desired water temperature, and beeped when the right temperature is reached
• Disposable pens with built in LEDs that glow just before the ink starts to run out
• An eyeglass case that automatically cleans the lenses of my glasses every time I put them in
• A version of Microsoft Word that didn't add tons of crappy code to my text when I cut and paste into the blogging software. 
• and most importantly – a secure locking mechanism for the front door to my apartment that locked and unlocked by the presence of A WIRELESS FOB!

Okay, companies. I’ve told you the secret to us consumers.  Start creating with convenience as your primary purpose and I promise I will reward you with the sixteen digits on my credit card, again and again.  I’ve laid out a road map for you, and given you examples.  If you do go bankrupt, don’t blame me.  

What about you? Is there a dream gadget that you’d pay for? Share it in the comments, so I know I’m not alone!

(Spotify + "Glee") * Facebook = Trouble

After recently logging on to the online music service Spotify, I noticed a new Christmas album from the cast of the TV show “Glee.” Intrigued, I clicked on the icon and began listening to sugar-pop renditions of Yuletide hits, with an extra helping of sass.  Imagine my surprise when I started getting a steady stream of Facebook comments from friends mocking my Glee choice. 

I had forgotten that I previously allowed Spotify to post my listening choices directly to my Facebook wall.  I ran online and posted a disclaimer Status Update before some Facebook “friend” called me a Gleek. That would be bleak. 

THIS CANNOT HAPPEN AGAIN.

So here was my problem.  How do I maintain the carefully crafted, witty and smart online persona I've been honing for myself on social media, while listening to music that gets appreciated at the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards?

One might assume the answer to my problem was to turn off Spotify's connection to Facebook.  But as an attention whore, I want the world to see and comment on my music.  It’s another reason for people to be talking about ME.

Instead, I censored myself on Spotify. Before clicking a song, I’d ask myself, “I know I want to listen this song, but do I want to be caught listening to this song?” It didn’t work. The joy of Spotify is to listen to music that I wouldn't buy, sampling new bands, playing tracks suggested by Facebook friends, and indulging in guilty pleasures.  Clamping down on this somewhat random sampling took the joy - and the value - out of Spotify. 

My solution was an app that I could develop myself. I call it sModify. If a user like me plays a song on Spotify that seem to be popular with pre-teen girls, sModify posts a more appropriate song title on Facebook. So:

I listen to	and Facebook says I'm listening to
Rihanna’s “Cheers”	Radiohead’s “Creep”
Avril Lavigne’s “Wish You Were Here”	Arcade Fire’s “We Used To Wait”
any Taylor Swift song	Adele's "Somewhere Without You"

Since I don’t really have the skillset to create my own apps, I turned to the web for a solution. In doing a little Googling, I found that Spotify had actually added a “Private Listening” mode back in October. I’ve had this option in the Spotify menu for two months. Problem solved!

But here's the thing…

Once I started using Spotify’s Private Session mode, I started evaluating each song choice through my embarrassment filter: “What song am I going to listen to next? Should I turn Private Session on or off? What does this song say about me?” It was exhausting.  The more I wasted time protecting my online persona, the more I had to examine and better understand why I was trying to create an online persona in the first place.  In truth, I had to take a good look at my own ego, online and off.  

Why am I so focused on the crafting of this online identity?  Because, creating an online identity is another chance to recreate myself.  Isn’t this what everyone does when they get on social media, try to hit the cosmic do-over button and redefine how they are seen by the world?  

(This inner desire to upgrade isn’t a new phenomenon. Going to college was my first real chance to create a new brand for myself. I wasn’t going to be the D&D geek from high school.  I was going to be a hipper, cooler version of myself.  So I wore a hat.  Not surprisingly, it didn’t work.)

Online, I’m still trying to create a better version of myself. Someone people will like more. Someone who will captivate, charm and dazzle important people.  In my ideal scenario, my online brand is an equal mix Don Draper and Jon Stewart.  Therefore, any online activity, including music choices, must reflect my online suave - sophisticated - witty - social commentor brand.

But when I step back, I realize my actual online persona is how I act when I’m at a social event with people I’m trying to impress.  I’m not being fake, but I’m a little too loud, a little too fast with a joke, and a little too obvious when scanning the room for VIPs.  It’s a version of myself where I’m trying too hard.  I’m being both Jon Stewart AND Don Draper, but not in the way I intended: I’m coming off as a neurotic guy that sometimes drinks too much.  I’m failing to impress because I’m trying to be something I’m not.  The problem isn’t in my methods, it’s in my need to impress.

All this effort, and what has it gotten me?  Nothing but wasted time and energy.  Enough.  I am who I am. Listening to Rihanna on Spotify might be off-brand for my online identity – so it’s time to realign my online brand, bringing it as close to the truth as possible. The truth is I listened to the Glee Christmas album on Spotify. I LIKED the Glee Christmas album.  I REALLY LIKED the Michael Bublé Christmas album.  That’s who I am – online and off.  Filtering the truth is hiding the truth, and I’m done hiding. From now on, I'm crafting the most powerful online persona I can: a true reflection of the real me. 

So here's how I’ve solved my Spotify problem - I'm listening to whatever the hell I want to listen to, and let my pre-teen-music-choice flag fly on Facebook.

If you’re on Spotify, click the icon on the left to play what I’ve been listening to while I write this.  If my Facebook friends want to mock me, well, at least they're talking about me. The real me. 

Hopefully, being the real me will be the most engaging me.  Come on, let’s all get real.  What are you not sharing online???

Are Smart Phones Creating Dumb People?

It’s time to start a revolution to bring courtesy back to the Internet.

I rarely get upset with the signature line of an email (you know, the default text at the bottom of the message like "sent from my iPhone"), but this one really burned me up: 

Sent from an iPhone. Expect mistakes.

The work acquaintance who sent me this email was basically saying, “Don’t blame me. Blame the tool.” He’s wrong. The phone is a technological miracle. He’s the tool.

This is not an isolated incident.  More and more, email signature lines like "expect typos", "sent from a tiny keyboard", and "typed on a virtual keyboard" have become expected and accepted.

I don’t accept it, and neither should you.  What is really being said in those signature lines is "The sender is too important to deal with typos, but the receiver is not."

But I am.

There are no excuses for sending un-proofed emails. Not the size of the keyboard or the screen. Not how busy life is in the 21^st Century. You know what I do when I'm not in the mood to write and proof a letter on my phone? I DON'T WRITE AN EMAIL ON MY PHONE. I wait until I'm on my laptop. No email is so important that it has to be sent RIGHT NOW. Okay, that's not entirely true. If you're emailing for help during a bank robbery, I won’t ignore your message because you asked me to “caal the pollice.”

Here’s what I do if I have to communicate information to someone right away, and I don’t have the ability to proof an email on my iphone.  I  MAKE A PHONE CALL - on the device already in my hand.  Apple didn’t name the product the iToothbrush. It’s called an iPhone.  This is what most people are really avoiding: Having synchronous communication, where the other person might want something, or waste time talking about themselves.  As a society, we’re all certainly too busy for that.  If people are going to email instead of talking, they need to at least stop ignoring the red squiggly lines under misspelled words like they are color blind.

I’m not trying to be a Chicago Manual of Style stickler. I don't care whether someone puts the period inside the quotes or outside the quotes. I'm not talking about the occasional lower case I.  I'm talking about the kind of typos, lack of grammar and mis-autocorrects that make it hard to understand the intended meaning of an email. 

Let’s draw a signature line in the sand.  Let’s raise email standards back up to a loftier, 2nd grade reading standard. If not, digital communication will continue devolving into tweet style, txt msg emails 4U2 dcphr, FYI.  What’s next, just emailing pictures instead of words?

It’s time to start a revolution to bring courtesy back to the Internet.  Let's start respecting the reader.

Maybe the technology can help us fight back.  I want a new kind of spam filter. One that will start kicking back emails filled with unreadable messages.  So if some hipster with a Droid fires off a confusing morass of auto-correct nonsense, I don't even see it.  He just gets the email kicked back saying:

Postmaster has read the email and found it unintelligible.  The recipient should not have to crack the code of your intended meaning, so as a courtesy to both sender and receiver, the email was not delivered. Please spell check and resend.

Now the problem is back in his inbox.

Hey, I get it. I have big thumbs, bad eyes, and (for a college graduate) a shocking dependence on spell check. On my iPhone, I'm always typing my first name as arich, because I accidentally hit the a key instead of the shift key. Or I hit the n key instead of the space bar resulting in morenmistakes.   If it were easy, everyone would proof before sending. Let’s stop settling for easy.

So to start, I put my money where my mouth is. I wrote this post on my iPhone. Did it take longer than if I had used my Mac Book Air? Absolutely. Not so much in the typing, but in the editing. I spent the extra time because you, the reader, are worth it. 

Is it just me? Am I becoming cranky-pants on a virtual keyboard, or does what I say resonate with you?  Let me know in the comment section.  I’m excited to read both the pros and the cons, as long as I can understand what you wrote.

---

This post was written on my iPhone. Expect respect.